Compassion and Self-Hate

The conflict between self-acceptance and self-dislike.

Theodore Isaac Rubin was an M.D. and psychoanalyst who addressed self-dissatisfaction in his book Compassion and Self-Hate. He also wrote the classic true story Lisa and David, which was made into a Hollywood movie in the 1960s. It remains a movie worth renting and watching.

Dr. Rubin and his book, David and Lisa, had a major influence on my life. The book and the movie inspired me to become a psychoanalyst and psychotherapist. Years later, I had the privilege of meeting him. He was a tall, handsome man who, by that time, was elderly. When I met him, he nodded his head with a look of regret and said, "Psychotherapy is not what it used to be." He was referring to the fact that insurance companies intruded into the practice of mental health and put strict limits on how many sessions a week and how many per year they would pay. Today, many psychiatrists, psychologists, and clinical social workers no longer accept insurance reimbursement.

Me

The book delves into the intricate dynamics of human emotions, specifically focusing on the interplay between compassion and self-hatred within oneself. Rubin, a renowned psychiatrist and author, profoundly explores how individuals navigate their inner worlds and relationships, shedding light on the deep-rooted conflicts between self-acceptance and self-deprecation.

In his work, Rubin illuminates the complexities of compassion, emphasizing its transformative power in fostering empathy, understanding, and connection with others. He delineates how the capacity to extend compassion towards oneself and others is fundamental to emotional well-being and healthy relationships. By illustrating the significance of cultivating self-compassion, Rubin highlights its pivotal role in fostering resilience, self-empowerment, and personal growth.

Conversely, it also delves into the destructive nature of self-hatred—the crippling inner voice that undermines one's self-worth, diminishes self-esteem, and fosters negative inner dialogues. He delves into the origins of self-hatred, exploring how experiences, societal pressures, and internalized beliefs contribute to its perpetuation. By unpacking the detrimental effects of self-hate on mental health and relationships, Rubin underscores the urgent need to confront and transcend these toxic patterns.

Through poignant narratives, insightful anecdotes, and clinical expertise, Rubin invites readers to embark on a journey of self-discovery and healing. He offers practical strategies, therapeutic insights, and psychological frameworks to aid individuals in navigating their inner landscapes with compassion, courage, and authenticity. Ultimately, his book serves as a guiding beacon for readers seeking to cultivate self-compassion, overcome self-hate, and embark on inner peace and emotional freedom.

In the book, he borrows from a great psychoanalyst of the mid-twentieth century, Karen Horney. Horney asserts that we have three selves:

1. Actual Self: Who we are with our physical and emotional abilities and disabilities or limitations.

2. Real Self: Who we could be if we freed ourselves from our self-dislike and unrealistic fears.

3. Despised Self: self-effacing and very neurotic.

4. Idealized Self: The illusion of glorious goals that are impossible to achieve but that we believe we should achieve.

Dr. Rubin reduces this formula to two selves: the "Actual Self" and the "Real Self."

• Actual Self: Who we are with all our talents, limitations, and illnesses, both physical and psychological.

• Real Self: The illusions about who we should be, such as being wealthy, powerful, lovable, independent, etc.

If we hold on to illusions about our "Real Self," it is to the extent to which we reject our Actual Self and feel self-hatred.

For example, an individual may cherish the belief that they should be happy. After all, the pursuit of happiness is guaranteed in the U.S. Constitution. But what is happiness? As Dr. Rubin states, "For me, happiness is feeling good, nothing more—that is, feeling fairly comfortable and relatively free of tension." Then, he says that happiness can be sustained only for a limited time. Life is not perfect, and moods change. However, the illusion that one should always be happy creates self-hatred.

Perhaps the fact that people hold on to unrealistic illusions about themselves explains the reason for the epidemic of addiction. Substances offer a temporary effect that causes a person to feel joyful and omnipotent. When the drug wears out and reality sets in, the self-hatred reasserts itself.

To continue the analogy of substance misuse, the sense of self-hatred and wish for joy that propels the addiction also serves as a powerful source of self-punishment. Drug addiction carries with it lots of physical and emotional abuse.

Looking at the dynamic of self-hatred in another way, Dr. Rubin talks about our money illusions. There is a commonly held illusion that money can solve all problems. Many patients have told me they would feel free of their problems and suffering if they had enough money. However, real life tells us a different story.

Lots of people love to play the lottery, hoping to become millionaires. We read about poor or working people winning the lottery and going home fabulously wealthy. Oh, how many wish for the same fate? You know the old saying, "Be careful of what you wish for. It may come true." The fact is that the lives of many people who won the lottery ended in tragedy. Some of them spent every dollar they won and became bankrupt. Others committed suicide, became addicted to drugs, or suffered some abysmal fate. Money did not solve their problems. Yet, we convince ourselves that it will solve our problems and beat ourselves for not earning or winning a fortune.

I have often thought I would feel fantastic if I had enough money. However, how much is enough money?

The same phenomenon occurs with marriages. Many people enter marriage with illusionary expectations. These expectations often involve perfect bliss, constant sexual fulfillment, and a regular flow of nurturing and love. However, actual life is not this way. Yes, marriage can bring lots of satisfaction, but it has many problems and difficulties. Married couples disagree and quarrel, deal with troublesome children, and have issues with work, family, and friends.

The greater the gap between expectations and reality, the greater the sense of disappointment, bitterness, and failure we will experience.