Family Roles in Addiction
Addiction is an unwitting attempt at self-medication.
Self-medication involves taking substances, such as drugs, supplements, or home remedies, to address symptoms of a medical or mental health problem without consulting a doctor. Part of the problem with addiction is that the individual is unaware that they are attempting to self-medicate.
“The priority of any addict is to anaesthetize the pain of living to ease the passage of day with some purchased relief.”– Russell Brand on drug abuse
“Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.”– Mahatma Gandhi with philosophical insights for recovery quotes.
“What is addiction, really? It is a sign, a signal, a symptom of distress. It is a language that tells us about a plight that must be understood.”– Alice Miller on the true meaning of drug addiction recovery.
One case I had many years ago involved a married couple in which the spouse was addicted to alcohol. When he was drunk, it led to many fights and arguments. The wife came to me to recycle therapy, hoping I could help her work her way through this traumatizing set of circumstances in the marriage. Ultimately, she convinced him to stop drinking.
Their marriage became much smoother. Then, one summer day, he was working in the backyard. She felt sorry for him doing the back lawn on such a hot day, so she got him a cold beer. I do not have to describe the rest. The marriage ended in a bitter divorce.
The dynamics of family roles within the context of addiction are complex and multifaceted, affecting the emotional health and functioning of each member and the family unit. Addiction behaviors create an environment where family members often assume specific roles as coping mechanisms. These roles, while offering temporary relief or a semblance of order, can contribute to the perpetuation of dysfunction and hinder the addicted individual's journey to recovery and the healing of the family itself.
The family frequently takes on roles unconsciously to help control the chaos that addiction causes. However, these roles solidify into rigid patterns of behavior that are difficult to break. One common archetype is the caregiver or enabler, who takes on the responsibility of covering up or compensating for the consequences of the addiction. This might involve making excuses for the addicted individual's behaviors to outsiders, handling their responsibilities, or even providing financial support, thus inadvertently enabling the addiction to continue.
Several families I have worked with over the years struggled with the fact that a member was addicted to alcohol, drugs, or both. On more than one occasion, there was a relative who provided money and support to the addicted member. The motivating factors were always that they did not want their relative to beg for money in the streets, denied that any addiction existed, or did not want their loved one to become homeless.
A dominant theme in addiction is codependency.
Codependency is a pattern of behavior that often develops in close relationships, particularly in addiction. In a codependent relationship, one person (the codependent) becomes excessively reliant on the other person (often the addict) for their sense of self-worth, identity, and emotional well-being. Several key features characterize codependency:
Enabling: Codependents enable the addict's behavior by covering for them, making excuses, or minimizing the consequences of their addiction.
Caretaking: Codependents take on a caretaker role, prioritizing the addict's needs over their own and feeling responsible for the addict's well-being.
Low self-esteem: Codependents struggle with low self-esteem and may believe that their worth is tied to their ability to help or "fix" the person with an addiction.
Difficulty setting boundaries: Codependents have trouble setting and enforcing healthy boundaries in their relationships, often compromising their own needs and desires.
Denial: Codependents deny or minimize the severity of the addict's problem, believing that they can control or manage the situation.
Unhealthy communication: Codependent relationships involve poor communication, with the codependent suppressing their own feelings in order to avoid conflict.
Codependency perpetuates the cycle of addiction by shielding the person with addiction from the full consequences of their actions and preventing them from seeking help. Codependents may struggle with their own mental health issues, such as anxiety, depression, or substance abuse.
Family roles in the addictions:
The hero role, typically taken on by an older child in the family, emerges to counterbalance the enabler. This individual strives for perfection and overachievement to bring a sense of pride and normalcy to a family in turmoil. The hero's accomplishments, however, often stem from a deep-seated fear of abandonment and a desire for stability, undue pressuring themselves.
In contrast, there is the scapegoat, the family member who is blamed for the family's troubles, diverting attention from the actual issue of addiction. The scapegoat might act out or adopt troublesome behavior, inadvertently reinforcing their role as the family's problem child, despite such issues often being a direct response to the strife and neglect stemming from the addiction.
Simultaneously, the mascot or clown uses humor and mischief as a deflective tool, aiming to lift the family's spirits and mitigate tension. This role, though seemingly benign, can detract from addressing the gravity of the addiction, encouraging a culture of minimization and denial.
Last but not least, the lost child seeks anonymity by quietly blending into the background to avoid the chaos that addiction causes. The withdrawal often signals a deep sense of neglect and emotional abandonment.
Within a family system that has become unstable because of addiction, each of these roles serves as a survival tactic. Still, they mirror and perpetuate the dysfunction, creating barriers to healthy communication and emotional intimacy. The rigidity of these roles prevents family members from expressing their true selves and addressing their own needs, entrenching addictive patterns.
Denial is a common coping mechanism observed in families dealing with a member struggling with addiction. It is a complex psychological response that allows family members to avoid confronting the painful reality of their loved one's substance abuse. The reader needs to understand that denial is unconscious. It's an example of a behavior that the individual is unaware of, which is what makes it difficult to work with. The problem is, "How can you get some to change their behavior if they cannot grasp the fact that they enact that behavior?
Causes of denial:
Denial stems from a combination of factors, including the fear of stigma, shame, and the desire to maintain a sense of normalcy. Family members may feel overwhelmed by the prospect of addressing the addiction head-on, as it would require them to acknowledge the severity of the problem and the need for significant changes within the family dynamic. Additionally, the fear of losing the addicted member or the fear of being blamed for the addiction can contribute to the family's reluctance to confront the issue.
Manifestations of Denial:
Denial can manifest in various ways within a family. Some common examples include:
1. Minimizing the severity of the addiction: Family members may downplay the extent of the substance abuse, believing that the addicted member can control their usage or that their behavior is not as problematic as it appears.
2. Rationalizing the addictive behavior: Family members may make excuses for the addicted member's actions, attributing their substance abuse to external factors such as stress, work, or relationship problems.
3. Enabling the addiction: Family members may inadvertently enable the addictive behavior by covering up for the addicted member, providing financial support, or avoiding discussions about the addiction altogether.
4. Blaming others: In some cases, family members may shift the blame onto others, such as friends or partners, for the addicted member's behavior rather than acknowledging the role of addiction itself.
Impact on the Family System:
Denial can have significant consequences for the family system. By avoiding the reality of the situation, the family may miss opportunities to seek help and support for the addicted member. This can lead to a prolonged cycle of addiction, which can strain relationships, cause financial difficulties, and negatively affect the mental and physical health of all family members.
Overcoming Denial:
Breaking through the barrier of denial is crucial for families to address addiction effectively. This process often requires professional intervention, such as family therapy or support groups like Al-Anon or Narc-Anon. These resources can help family members understand the nature of addiction, develop healthy coping mechanisms, and learn to support the addicted member while maintaining appropriate boundaries.
Educating themselves about addiction and its impact on the family system helps family members overcome denial. When families learn more about addiction and the significance of treatment, they can change their viewpoints and take active measures toward recovery.
Breaking through the denial to get family members to see the issue and alter their behavior to support the recovering addict is becoming an increasingly hard task for family therapists.
