Grief, Faith and the Human Heart
In a discussion over breakfast, it came to my attention that one individual believed that because Christians believe in ever-life they should not grieve over the death of a loved one. That comment was in contradiction to over 45 years of work as a psychotherapist and years of rigorous training in the practice of mental health. The person who made the comment is a sincere, well-intentioned individual. This essay is submitted as a means to clarify some misunderstandings that others may have, whether they are Christian or from other major religions around the world.
"There is no justification anywhere in Scripture for Christians to gloss over the pain of death and glibly utter pious phrases about the deceased "being in a better place." Tears and other expressions of grief by believers in these situations are not evidence of a weak faith but only of a great love." From the Calvin Theological Seminary
The saints discovered a certain solace through service — that is, in responding to the needs of others, they found it easier to bear their own sorrows. It’s unwise (and often impossible) to begin something like this too soon after the death of a loved one, particÂularly a spouse; grief must be acknowledged, and this takes time (for many people, a year or more). It’s also unwise for people to make major decisions while mourning. After they have worked through their grief, however, it’s often helpful for them to become involved in some form of service. This pleases God and allows Him to bless and sustain them in additional ways. From a chapter in Fr. Esper’s book, Saintly Solutions to Life’s Common Problems.
All around the world, different religions hold some belief in the afterlife. From east to west, north to south, this is true of every faith. What that afterlife looks like may vary from one religion to another, but the idea that life continues in some form after death is a common thread.
Yet, no matter how deeply someone believes in their religion or their vision of what comes after this life, people still grieve when a loved one dies. The death may be of a man or woman, a friend or relative, a child or baby, a neighbor, or anyone we feel close to.
We understand, almost instinctively, that when someone tells us a loved one has died, we do not respond with empty platitudes. Words like "they're in a better place" may align with certain religious beliefs, but they rarely provide comfort in the face of raw grief.
Grief is the natural response to loss.
We feel it deeply when someone we love dies, whether or not we believe in heaven, reincarnation, or the soul's return to God. These beliefs may offer hope, but they do not erase the pain of absence.
From the moment we are born, our attachment to our mother is profound. When she leaves us, even for a short time, we cry. We fear she may never return. That early experience of loss leaves a lasting imprint.
Psychology tells us that the stronger our attachment to our mother and father, the more secure we feel as adults. These bonds form the foundation of our emotional life, and we carry that same pattern of attachment through every meaningful relationship we have—our spouse, our children, our friends, and even our neighbors.
When people move away, we feel a sense of loss. When someone dies, we feel something even deeper, an intense ache where connection used to be.
This is true even for those who firmly believe in the afterlife. The loss still hurts. The connection is no longer present in daily life, in conversation, and in touch. What remains is memory and longing.
That is why, across all religions and cultures, there are ceremonies of mourning. Funerals, memorials, home gatherings, and shared meals are not just traditions. They are a way for families and communities to come together in sorrow, remembrance, and love.
Grief is not a private burden alone. It is a shared human experience.
In small towns, villages, and close-knit neighborhoods, the death of one person is felt by many. Friends gather, memories are told, kindness is expressed. Sometimes, there is food and music and laughter in the midst of tears. It is all part of honoring the one who is gone and supporting the ones who remain.
Even nations grieve.
When President John F. Kennedy was assassinated decades ago, the entire country mourned. In truth, the whole world mourned. He was a man many admired, and his sudden, violent death was felt as a deep loss, even by those who believed he had gone on to eternal life.
That is the human condition.
The five stages of grief model was developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, and became famous after she published her book On Death and Dying in 1969. Kübler-Ross developed her model to describe people with terminal illness facing their own death. But it was soon adapted as a way of thinking about grief in general, especially those who have lost a loved one. The five stages do not occur in rigid order and some stages are not experienced by those in grief.
Having lost my family of origin as part of the natural course of life and having suffered the loss of my dear wife I have learned a lot about loss outside of private practice and reading books.
Belief and grief can live side by side. Faith in the afterlife does not cancel out the pain of absence.
So, if someone you love dies, it is not only normal to grieve—it is healthy. Crying is not a failure of faith. Mourning is not a sign of weakness. It means you have loved, and that love continues.
Grief is the echo of that love.
It touches everyone, no matter what they believe.
And it unites us in what makes us most human and that is our longing for connection, our need to remember, and our wish to hold on, even after goodbye.
