Love, Laughter, and Forgiveness: The Heart of a Lasting Marriage

Lessons I learned from my fifty-year marriage.

I paused when a younger man asked me about the secret to a fifty-year marriage. Not because I didn't know the answer but because it's hard to sum up a lifetime of shared moments, struggles, and love in just a few words. A long marriage isn't a magic trick or a simple formula. It's a tapestry woven daily with threads of patience, kindness, and an unwavering commitment to stay connected, even when life pulls you apart.

Trust is essential to a successful and lasting marriage. Married couples must know that their partner is not cheating, stealing money, or engaging in addictive behaviors. Those addictive behaviors include everything from gambling to drug and alcohol abuse. Also, there must be a solid foundation of no domestic abuse, either physical or emotional.

Shared values are vital for spouses and include religious issues. It does not mean they must come from a childhood background of one faith. Many interfaith marriages succeed. Many times, the spouse whose religious beliefs are weaker will convert. There are couples where one has no religious belief but respects their spouse. Shared values are common beliefs about ethics, morality, and human decency. These shared values include husbands and wives jointly doing housework, cleaning dishes after dinner, paying bills, and much more.

There was a time when I jested with people, and we never had one argument during our marriage. Okay, we had a hundred arguments, but we never had one argument.

During my long experience doing psychotherapy, I observed that the few people who reported never arguing with their spouse also reported that they rarely had sex. There were a few who stated that they had sex once per year. In other words, there was not enough passion to argue or to have sex.

Disagreements are inevitable when two people share a life, a home, and a million little daily decisions. But successful couples learn how to argue. They understand that the goal isn't to win the fight but to strengthen the relationship. They listen, even when they're angry. They try to see things from the other's perspective, even when they don't agree. And they never let disagreements get so big that they forget why they love each other.

Respect is another cornerstone of a lasting marriage. It means valuing your partner's opinions, even when you don't share them. It means supporting their dreams and recognizing their individuality.

Then there's humor. Life throws plenty of challenges at us. The most challenging event that tests marriage is raising children. It is wonderfully rewarding. But just like so many things in life, it is very hard. From birth to infancy and every stage of development, patience, empathy, and warmth are important. In addition, couples must remain united when childhood and adolescent problems arise. There are illnesses and financial struggles, but couples who last know how to laugh together, even in the hardest moments. Sometimes, laughter is the glue that holds you together when everything else feels like it's falling apart. And we laughed a lot.

Forgiveness is another big one. No one is perfect, and there will be mistakes in fifty years. Successful couples don't hold grudges or keep score. They forgive and move on because the alternative, resentment, will slowly erode even the strongest bond. I can report that I apologized every time.

And then there's love. This kind of love shows itself in small acts:

• Making coffee in the morning

• Holding hands during a storm

• Sitting in comfortable silence

It's a love that sees beauty in the familiar and finds joy daily. Perhaps I'm idealizing it because I'm left with memories. It's a beautiful thing.

A lasting marriage is about choosing each other repeatedly through every stage of life. It's about holding on during the hard times and celebrating the good times together. It's not always easy, but it's always worth it.

So, to the younger man who asked me that question: there's no one secret. But if you're willing to work, laugh, forgive, and love, you'll find the journey as rewarding as the destination.