Men and Emotions

Why do men hide their emotions?

Well, I know it's kind of late

I hope I didn't wake you

But what I got to say can't wait

I know you'd understand

Every time I tried to tell you

The words just came out wrong

So I'll have to say I love you in a song

Why is it difficult for many men to express emotions? 

I remember when I was a little boy, perhaps approximately seven years old, and was at home crying about something; I was told that boys and men do not cry. That memory is normal for how males are socialized. After all, male Hollywood role models such as Roy Rogers, John Wayne, and Gary Cooper, among many others, were not seen crying. The notion that a cowboy might cry or say "I love you" was outrageous.

During the decades of my work as a psychotherapist, female clients far outnumbered males. Even for marriage therapy, many wives had to force their husbands to attend joint sessions. 

Many female clients reported their husbands walked out of the room if she was angry or wanted to discuss something, causing her emotional turmoil.

Throughout history, societal expectations have shaped how men understand and express their emotions. Traditional masculine ideals often emphasize stoicism, strength, and emotional suppression. Boys are frequently discouraged from showing vulnerability, leading them to internalize that expressing positive emotions like love, joy, or tenderness equates to weakness. This learned behavior can persist into adulthood, making it difficult for men to break free from these ingrained patterns.

Furthermore, men may lack the emotional vocabulary to identify and express their feelings accurately. If not encouraged to explore and discuss emotions from a young age, men may find themselves ill-equipped to put those complex inner experiences into words. They may fear that expressing love will make them appear overly sentimental or expose them to potential rejection or ridicule.

Additionally, some men may equate expressing love with a loss of control. Maintaining a stoic facade can create a sense of invulnerability and power. Expressing positive emotions may challenge this perceived position of control, making some men uncomfortable.

It is important to note that not all men struggle to express positive emotions. The degree to which these difficulties manifest varies greatly depending on individual experiences, upbringing, and personality. It is crucial to challenge the harmful stereotypes that perpetuate the idea that men must be emotionally reserved. Encouraging open communication, emotional awareness, and the healthy expression of a full range of emotions, including positive ones, can benefit men's well-being and foster stronger, more authentic relationships.

There are different expectations for men and women regarding processing emotions. Because women are often viewed as “sensitive,” it’s socially acceptable for them to express their feelings, like sadness or fear. But men, who are seen as strong and fearless, are not encouraged to express their emotions outwardly. 

These cultural norms and gender stereotypes have been circulating for generations, and they can be toxic, especially for males. Men who express their emotions are often seen as weak. Because of that, many men neglect to show their emotions because they’re afraid of the repercussions. However, suppressing emotions and feelings can be incredibly detrimental to a man’s mental health.

Why Do Men Hide Their Emotions?

There’s no argument that women are more likely to show their emotions than men. From an early age, men are conditioned to believe that expressing their feelings is out of character with the male identity. Doing so can ruin their image of being strong and stoic. Specifically, men are told that crying in front of other people will threaten their masculinity.  

The same can be said about mental health. Statistically, women are more likely to get diagnosed with depression or anxiety. However, men also deal with mental health disorders and mental distress. Over 30% of men will experience a period of depression at some point during their lifetime, and about 9% of men report having feelings of depression or anxiety every day. 

Just because men are told to hide their emotions doesn’t mean they don’t have them. Research shows that men experience emotions at the same level that women do. But because it’s not socially acceptable for a man to cry when he’s sad, it can make it seem like men don’t experience sadness at all. 

Men who experience sadness or grief are more likely to channel those feelings into different emotions that are seen as more socially acceptable. For instance, a man who is experiencing sadness or depression might be more likely to act aggressively or get angry over something small rather than cry.

Emotions associated with dominance or strength are considered more masculine, even if the underlying emotion fueling the behavior differs. But when men are told to hide their emotions at all costs, those feelings have to go somewhere. Usually, they compensate by acting in a more stereotypically masculine way.

The Consequences of Emotional Avoidance

Part of what makes us human is our ability to feel and process our emotions. When we’re happy, we want to smile and show excitement. When we’re angry, our body tense up, and our voice level rises. When we’re sad, we naturally want to cry. 

When we avoid those emotions, it can lead to several consequences, including mental health disorders. Suppressing emotions can lead to depression and anxiety, but for men especially, it can also increase their risk of suicide. Men are much more likely to commit suicide than women. In 2018, men died by suicide about 3.56 times more often than women did. 

For men, being told to “man up” or “act like a man” is taught in childhood and stays with them into adulthood. Over time, men get good at turning off their emotions or coping with their feelings in a way that is more acceptable for males. It creates a cycle of toxic masculinity, which can be hard to break once it’s a habit.

The phrase "toxic masculinity" describes a harmful set of societal expectations placed upon men. It dictates that they must always be strong, stoic, and dominant. Crying, expressing vulnerability, or seeking help are signs of weakness. These rigid expectations discourage men from a full range of healthy emotional expression and can have severe repercussions on their mental and physical health.

The pressure to conform to toxic masculinity often begins in childhood. Boys who show sadness, fear, or sensitivity might be teased or told to "toughen up."The learned behavior forces men to bottle up their emotions rather than find healthy outlets. Yet, suppressing emotions doesn't make them disappear. Instead, these pent-up feelings can manifest in harmful ways. Men who are unable to process their emotions constructively may turn to anger, aggression, or substance abuse to cope with their inner turmoil.

Difficulty managing emotions also contributes to men's higher rates of mental health problems like depression and anxiety. Men who subscribe to toxic masculine ideals are less likely to reach out for help when they struggle. It has devastating consequences, as men are far more likely to die by suicide than women.

Furthermore, the suppression of emotions creates barriers in relationships. Men struggling to communicate feelings or form meaningful connections can be isolated and lonely. This lack of intimacy and support can further exacerbate mental health difficulties.

Ultimately, toxic masculinity creates a harmful paradox. While these expectations aim to portray men as strong and unbreakable, they often lead to fragility. Men who cannot process the full range of human emotions are less resilient when faced with life's challenges. 

Recognizing that genuine strength comes from embracing vulnerability, seeking support when needed, and expressing themselves is vital in challenging outdated norms and encouraging men to open up. We can help improve their mental and emotional well-being, ultimately creating a healthier and happier society.