Men and the Stigma of Emotional Problems

"Man-up, boy, don't be a sissy."

John Wayne, Maureen O’Hara, from “The Quiet Man.”

The illustration above is from one of my favorite movies and favorite actors and actresses. It is no accident that the movie title is “The Quiet Man.” The movie portrays the idealized theme of a strong, silent male type whose quietness is mistaken for weakness. The film ends with a fistfight between the two masculine characters who pound on each other. The men have earned the respect of each other that they deserve. It is a beautiful movie that demonstrates men's problems in Western society. Men are expected to be strong, bold, fearless, and quiet. It’s a role that normal humans cannot fulfill.

"You have to be a man before you can be a gentleman." -John Wayne (McLintock, Movie)

"Here is the manliness of manhood, that a man has a good reason for what he does, and has a will in doing it." –Alexander MacLaren

The phrase "strong silent type" is an idiom for a reserved man who masks his feelings. 

"Stand true to your calling to be a man. Real women will always be relieved and grateful when men are willing to be men." –Elisabeth Elliott.

Mental illness can be a deeply personal and complex experience for many individuals. Even with increasing awareness and understanding of mental health, at least one factor remains a solid barrier to people seeking help: stigma. It is rooted in societal norms, misconceptions, and perhaps most poignantly, the fear of judgment. It affects them because they face more pressure from society to "man-up." That discourages them from dealing with their emotional concerns.

As a young boy, I remember crying about something. I no longer remember what was troubling me. I remember being told that boys and men do not cry. Men usually grow up without being taught to handle overwhelming feelings.

My Uncle once told me, in a tranquil way, to join the Marines when so many emotional battles were being fought inside me during my teenage years. It's common for males to go through such advice at that stage in life.

Part of the problem with mental illness is that there's a general misunderstanding about it. Many people believe that a person's emotional problems represent weakness and instability. However, emotional problems affect everyone at least once in their lives. Mental disorders range from problems like depression and anxiety to more serious ones such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, each with its challenges. Since many people misunderstand, they label the individual and continue to reinforce negative stereotypes.

Stigma hinders mental illness treatment. It rears its head under many guises, from subtle belittling of someone's feelings to blatant prejudice and discrimination. People with emotional problems may be viewed as unreliable, lazy, or incapable, though they may still perform in society just like everyone else.

The fear of being judged or discriminated against discourages people, as they do not want to be seen as lesser. Isolation, shame, and silence worsen mental problems. Admitting emotional issues is more difficult for men than for women. Over forty years as a psychotherapist, most of my clients were women. If marriage therapy was involved, wives often had to force their husbands to join them.

Cultural norms of masculinity usher in strength, stoicism, and emotional control. That is the origin of the male stereotype about a man being "The strong silent type." The male stereotype is toxic and starts during childhood when boys learn they must be tough.

As a result, men believe getting help would be a failure or an admission of weakness. The sad result is the most dangerous circle where these issues of mental health are ignored or downplayed until they reach a breaking point.

There is one area of emotions where cultural values allow men to express their feelings. Males have no difficulty expressing anger. The previously mentioned Uncle is often referred to as being addicted to rage. As a result, he alienated his children and most people with whom he came into contact. Chronic anger can end in domestic violence. Taken to the extreme, this type of male who is filled with rage then turns to gun violence with tragic consequences.

The breaking point is suicide, drug and alcohol addiction, and violence.

The fear of losing social or professional standing breeds hesitancy and uncertainty. Admitting to a mental health issue can damage a career, relationship, or social reputation, which men appear to fear.

Turning a blind eye to mental illness can have many consequences. Substance abuse, high-risk behaviors, and even suicide come into play if proper support is not in place. For people with mental illness, relationships, work performances, and overall quality of life can be devastating for men, including their wives, children, extended family members, and the communities in which they live.