Men, Women and Dysfunctional Relating
A canyon of misunderstanding.
Case Vignette (fictionalized),
“When the couple entered therapy, they were clearly alienated and angry. There was little doubt that they were headed for divorce. The husband was silent and brooding, and the wife was seething with sarcasm and resentment. They had been married for twenty years, had two kids, and were financially secure. From the outside, most people would have said they were a successful and happy couple. Obviously, this was far from the truth. Their sexual lives had ended, and they barely talked to one another at home. Their marriage was typical of what happens in many marriages across the country. One of her major complaints was that whenever she tried to confront him with her dissatisfactions, he withdrew into silence.”
Did you ever notice that men and women often communicate across a canyon of misunderstanding? Terence Real, psychotherapist, is the author of “How Can I Get Through To You?” He presents a helpful discussion of what goes wrong between men and women and how to fix it.
From his experience and point of view, men and women relate differently because of how they were raised. Boys are taught to suppress their emotions and to focus instead on being aggressive, competitive, and independent. They are raised to be masculine, and that translates into being unemotional and strong.
He states that women are taught to put their needs aside and nurture others. Instead of being aggressive, they are taught to be compliant. This is the definition of femininity.
While a lot of this seems to have changed since the women’s the late twentieth century, it still shows up in the ways couples relate to one another. In fact, according to Real, this difference is at the core of why there is a high divorce rate. Today, women are more assertive and have careers besides being wives and mothers.
Because of suppressing their emotions, men lose their connection with their families and become vulnerable to addiction to drugs and alcohol. Women become depressed because they feel taken advantage of by husbands who do not supply their emotional needs. They, too, may turn to drugs or alcohol to self-medicate this emotional turmoil.
Because men learned early in their childhoods that they must control their emotions, except for anger, they are taught that they must be aggressive to be masculine. A certain amount of aggressiveness might succeed at work rather than at home. I remember being told when I was a child and in tears that men do not cry.
A certain percentage of husbands demand that their wives have dinner ready even though they, too, may have spent the day at work. Some men even become verbally abusive if their wives have not fulfilled what they view as a wifely obligation. I had a certain number of cases where there were severe marital problems; the wives complained that their husbands left the room if she tried to discuss any complaints and relationship problems. These women described their exasperation as trying to cope with a man who stomps out of the room and slams the door shut when she tries to bring up an issue.
Some women become submissive until they grow so depressed and unhappy with things that they fall out of love with their husbands. Then, husband and wife become silent, withdrawing from one another and becoming more distant. Part of this dynamic is that when the wife asserts her needs, the husband withdraws into silence. Her frustration results in her once again becoming silent. The road to divorce is then well paved.
I have repeatedly listened to these wives complain about the fact that these same men would avoid having sexual relations. It's understandable. If these people cannot express their emotions, how can they be physically expressive?
It is important to express the fact that intimate partners sometimes have disagreements that end in arguments. More than once I have worked with couples who reported never arguing. However, they also reported never having sex. For a relationship to succeed, there must be passion, and that will sometimes include a quarrel.
Part of marriage counseling for these couples is helping men and women change the way they interact. Men must learn to express their emotions rather than suppress them until they become explosive, and women must give voice to what they want and need rather than suppress those things.
Terence Real's book, "How Do I Get Through to You," is well worth reading. Finally, “How Can I Get Through to You” can be described as a comprehensive guide for couples who want to strengthen their relationships and make their interactions healthier. By using conceptual analysis, Real examines the problems of intimacy, vulnerability, and self-respect, giving couples a detailed plan of how to overcome the barrier.
What are your experiences in your relationship like? Your comments and experiences are welcome and encouraged.
