Splitting a Dangerous Communication Problem

A concrete way of black-white thinking with no gray areas.

Splitting is a psychological concept known as a defense mechanism. It involves viewing people, situations, or even oneself in an all-or-nothing manner, where things are good or bad. This black-and-white thinking makes it difficult to hold on to more nuanced or complex views. Young children think in very concrete ways. For example, when a daddy purchases a toy for his child, he is the best daddy in the world. However, when the same dad says "no" to something, he is the worst dad in the world. The problem is that it is too easy for adults to fall back into that concrete thinking.

In relationships, someone who engages in splitting might idealize a person at one moment, seeing them as perfect or flawless, and then suddenly shift to seeing them as harmful after a disagreement or perceived slight. Minor occurrences can cause the transition from idealization to devaluation, which happens quickly.

Case Study:

The following case study happened decades ago when I was a young therapist working as a psychotherapist in an outpatient clinic that provided medication and therapy for older adults. The identity of the patient is disguised and most probably has long passed away. We will call her Gloria.

Gloria, a 70-year-old woman, had a long history of depression, dysfunctional family relationships marked by conflict, and ingrained resentments that became so strong that many family members cut her off.

She was a new patient in the clinic, and we had met four to five times for psychotherapy. She always presented herself as pleasant, cooperative, and friendly.

One day, the psychiatrist reported to me that Gloria complained that she was not getting better with me as her therapist. He was a very astute psychiatrist and stated in no uncertain terms that this woman was "splitting" and wanted to heal the split. Gloria was carrying her complaint to him rather than discussing it with me. He proposed that I present her with the information and discuss it thoroughly. The three of us could talk, but he doubted it would be necessary.

During the next session, I gently reported to Gloria that the psychiatrist and I had talked and that he had made me aware that she had some complaints about me. Rather than defending myself, I allowed her to complain. I asked why she had not contacted me directly to discuss the issues that bothered her.

The result of that critical session and the subsequent work together was that Gloria could understand how she saw people in black/white terms, which alienated friends and family. Splitting is the unconscious dividing of the self and others into beings who are good or all bad. Here, the psychiatrist became all good, and I became all bad. The patient initially saw me as all good and then all bad when treatment first began.

Gloria then remembered and could talk about her having been abused during her childhood. She unconsciously learned to protect herself by withholding her angry feelings. That is why Gloria feared telling me about her anger. She talked about her long history of having been abused, dating back to childhood and continuing into adulthood.

In all that, later sessions came to be very healing as the patient learned she could discuss her anger at me without feeling threatened.

So, splitting is a primitive defense mechanism. We all have and use defense mechanisms to protect ourselves from danger. The problem with splitting is that it is a very unhealthy form of self-defense that does nothing to help the individual interact in healthy ways. It is harmful because people are neither good nor bad but a combination of both.

There are many examples of concrete thinking about ethnic groups in which black people, people of color, minority groups,

and because of how other people perceive them, Muslims receive unfair and violent treatment.

The challenge for Americans and people of all nations is to find ways to heal the "splitting."

I invite all of you to discuss your experiences with concrete ways of thinking and provide potential solutions for individuals in families, neighborhoods, and worldwide.