The Paradox That It is Difficult to Let Go of Suffering

The psychotherapy road to change is rocky.

"People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. They prefer suffering that is familiar to the unknown." Thich Nhat Hanh

People come to psychotherapy because they are in pain and want to feel better. In my experience, people feel better after completing therapy and move forward better adjusted and with vastly improved function in all aspects of their lives. However, the course of psychotherapy is fraught with many difficulties. One major difficulty is that even though people want to improve their lives, they resist change.

As a little boy, I went to the park with my grandmother. The park benches were filled with neighbors who leisurely chatted. I vividly remember one repeated theme of those chats: The ladies debated who had the worst aches, pains, and medical problems. Looking back now, it was comical. After all, who would want to win that debate? Years later, in my graduate and postgraduate training in psychology, I found the answer to that question. People derive many benefits from suffering.

Freud referred to this phenomenon as masochism. In this context, masochism is defined as getting sexual pleasure from pain. An example are the following two quotes:

• "It all hurts so bad and feels so good that I'd swear my heart is bleeding." Taylor Jenkins Reid.

• "I ache for the touch of your lips, dear, but much more for the touch of your whips, dear." Tom Lehrer.

However, the paradox of clinging to suffering has many roots. The essay that follows explains.

A puzzling paradox: Why do we cling to our suffering when we could choose relief and happiness? This behavior, deeply rooted in human psychology and experience, is more complex than it seems. It's about the comfort of the familiar, even when that familiarity is painful.

Do you see the paradox?

During my 45 years of practice working with patients in psychotherapy, I encountered many who experienced great difficulty giving up their depression and self-defeating patterns of behavior.

When endured for an extended period, suffering becomes a part of one's identity. It shapes how individuals view themselves and their place in the world. This integration of suffering into one's identity makes the prospect of change daunting. Change, even positive change, requires a departure from the known into the unknown. The unknown is inherently unpredictable and uncertain; for many, this uncertainty is more frightening than the certainty of their suffering.

Suffering brings control. People become accustomed to their pain and learn to navigate it. They develop coping mechanisms and routines that help them manage their daily lives. Letting go of their suffering means abandoning these learned strategies and stepping into uncharted territory. This transition can be overwhelming and disorienting, leading individuals to prefer the devil they know over the one they do not. Even in the face of suffering, the sense of control can be empowering.

A psychological concept known as the "fear of the unknown" plays a crucial role in this dynamic. The unknown evokes anxiety and fear because it lacks the familiarity and safety of what is already known, even if the unknown is painful. The mind magnifies potential dangers and uncertainties associated with the unknown, making it seem more threatening than the current suffering. This fear can paralyze individuals, preventing them from taking steps toward change. This quotation captures the dynamic:

The quote "I'd choose the devil I know over the heaven I don't" expresses that people often prefer familiar struggles over uncertain, better situations. This notion suggests that the comfort of the known can feel safer than the fear of the unknown, even if the known situation is less than ideal.

Our emotional and psychological investment is a major factor in the reluctance to let go of suffering. In psychology, this is referred to as a secondary gain.

Secondary gains in mental health refer to the unintended benefits or rewards individuals experience because of their symptoms or difficulties. These benefits can include garnering attention, avoiding responsibilities, or maintaining control within their environment.

Letting go of suffering requires self-awareness and introspection, which can be uncomfortable and challenging. It involves confronting deep-seated fears, traumas, and unresolved issues. This inner work is often painful and requires courage, patience, and persistence. Many individuals find it easier to stay within their comfort zones, even if those zones are filled with suffering, rather than embark on the arduous journey of self-discovery and healing.

The road to change is a difficult journey.