Transformational Interactions

The power of nonviolent communication.

I can’t help thinking that our senators and representatives need a solid lesson in nonviolent communication. The way both houses of Congress are currently behaving represents the complete opposite of nonviolent communication. Let’s not overlook that this can help our marriages and relationships with our children.

The Power of Nonviolent Communication

Whether it involves relationships with a spouse, children, family, friends, the nation, or the world, we all need to improve our communication skills. The technique of nonviolent communication is nothing new, except that it is rarely used.

Nonviolent communication (NVC), or positive communication, is an empathy-based method of talking to one another that connects us to everyone. It is a systematic approach to respectful, empathetic, and compassionate communication. NVC, in a sense at least, offers a conversation that honors and acknowledges the feelings and needs of everyone involved. For instance, in a workplace scenario, NVC could address a colleague's disagreement by focusing on their shared goals and finding a solution that benefits everyone involved. This is a fundamental principle in effective communication.

Marshall Bertram Rosenberg (October 6, 1934–February 7, 2015) was an American psychologist, mediator, author, and teacher. As the founder of Conflict Resolution and Communication, his work has profoundly shaped how we view and practice nonviolent communication. In the early 1960s, during social and political unrest, he set out to answer the perennial question of what would make life better for all of us. His take on communication, which he called nonviolent communication, is a process for supporting partnerships and resolving differences within us, our relationships, and our society.

Effective communication in NVC strongly emphasizes empathy and gives the other person a space to be heard. Empathy is the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing within their frame of reference. Perspective-taking is stepping outside yourself and seeing the world as someone else does. This helps us understand and address the needs or concerns of the other person when we communicate. Active listening, a key component of NVC, is one of the most important ways to make others feel valued and respected in our interactions.

Active listening is a concept and technique developed by Carl Rogers, a famous psychologist in the USA. It is a key skill in NVC. This includes focusing, understanding, responding, and remembering what is said. It demands the listener come into the now, free of judgment and prejudice. It means that "we have to get inside the speaker to understand what he is talking about.

active listening

The distinction between observations and interpretations is the cornerstone of nonviolent communication. Observations are a statement of fact of what you see or hear without any judgment or interpretation. For example, if you notice that your partner has been arriving fifteen minutes after the time agreed, you would say, 'I have seen that you arrived fifteen minutes later than we agreed.' This is an observation. An interpretation is a personal understanding or meaning you assign to an observation. For instance, if you say, 'You are always late,' that is an interpretation, not an observation. We can communicate objectively and avoid misunderstandings by focusing on observations rather than interpretations.

Observations are sensory experiences that we interpret and from which we form judgments or evaluations. As they separate, observations help clear communication and reduce misunderstandings and conflicts. For instance, rather than saying, "You are always late" (an evaluation), we might say, "I noticed you arrived 15 minutes after we agreed we would meet" (an observation).

Another important component of NVC is the ability to express feelings and needs. Most of the time, we do not know what we feel or need, which causes immense frustration and misunderstanding. NVC helps people recognize and express their emotions and needs of the deeper layers. For instance, you could say, 'I feel unheard when people talk over me." That is an improvement over the more common 'You never listen to me.' This way, you can express your feelings and needs without blaming or being judgemental. That can lead to more understanding and intimacy in your relationships.

The next important area of NVC is the practice of self-awareness and self-empathy. Self-empathy is the ability to understand and share one's feelings. It involves tuning ourselves and knowing how we feel and what we need before we talk to someone else. This self-awareness opens the door to new possibilities when interacting, allowing us to express ourselves more easily and read the signs of others as well. By mastering this skill, we can feel more empowered and in control of our interactions.

Practicing self-empathy means reflecting on your own needs and emotions. When you need more love and understanding and less self-criticism, you are less likely to succumb to external pressures. Pressed helped respond with compassion and calm in hard cases.

De-escalating conflict is another key skill of positive communication. When disagreements come up, it's important to stay calm and collected. Everyone knows how to make their case. However, our best shot is to try to see it from their perspective. But it is easier said than done, especially when tempers flare.

You can use nonviolent communication techniques to reduce conflict in these situations. For instance, take a deep breath and try to understand the other person's point of view before responding. This helps defuse the tension and create a more open and respectful conversation. By de-escalating conflict, we can prevent it from escalating into a full-blown argument or dispute, leading to more peaceful and productive interactions.

Everyone has the right to manage conflicts using techniques like deep breathing, walking away, and returning when each side can engage in a calmer conversation. We can transform potential conflicts into richer understandings and connections by being curious and open.

Consistent positive communication builds trust and rapport between parties. People are more receptive to real dialogue when they feel heard, respected, and valued.

Nonviolent communication is not just a technique; it's a transformative way of being that can revolutionize all our relationships, even the most challenging ones. However, it's important to note that it's not always easy to practice. It requires a commitment to self-awareness, empathy, and respectful communication.

Sometimes we slip into old communication patterns or find it difficult to express our needs and feelings without judgment. But, with practice and patience, we can foster deeper, more harmonious connections by embracing empathy, active listening, honest expression, respectful requests, self-awareness, and conflict management. This approach to communication can lead us away from conflicts and towards a more compassionate and connected community.