Anger Turned in On The Self is Depression

The argument that helped me feel better.

The Argument That Helped Me Feel Better

There’s a theory in psychoanalysis that says depression may be the result of anger turned inward. In other words, depression can be a form of self-directed aggression. Some early theorists went so far as to describe it as a form of emotional masochism. According to that way of thinking, one path toward feeling better is to find a way to release that anger, not against oneself, but by letting it out into the world in a safe and appropriate way.

Recently, a phone conversation with an old friend brought this idea to my attention. I had been feeling low and told him I was struggling with a kind of lingering depression. As the conversation went on, I found myself complaining more and more. And then something unexpected happened. He raised his voice and started disagreeing with me. At first, I was taken aback. But rather than back down, I raised my voice too. And there we were, yelling at each other over the phone.

Now, the subject wasn’t just anyone. This was a close friend I’ve known for over fifty years. We studied psychoanalysis together at the same postgraduate institute in New York City. We’ve argued before and always come back to a deep mutual respect. But something about this argument felt different. I didn’t know it at the time, or maybe I didn’t allow myself to know it, but he had a purpose. He was trying to draw something out of me. He was helping me let go of something I didn’t even realize I was holding inside.

At one point during our shouting match, he suddenly said, “That’s right!” And in that moment, I felt it. I was feeling better. I felt a significant improvement. My friend had cleverly and intentionally drawn the anger out of me. Earlier in the conversation, he had tried reasoning with me, but that hadn’t helped. What helped was the heat of the argument. Someone who knew me well and wasn't afraid to push helped me shake off my emotional fog.

So who says an argument is a bad thing? Arguments, in and of themselves, are not harmful. What makes an argument dangerous is when someone loses control and it turns violent. But for most people, arguments can be a part of normal emotional life. Married couples argue. Friends argue. Families argue. As long as there is mutual respect and a sense of safety, an argument can even be healthy.

Of course, constant arguing in a relationship is not a good sign. But occasional disagreements are inevitable, and sometimes those disagreements get loud. That doesn’t mean the relationship is in trouble. It means that the two people care enough to feel strongly.

In my years of working with couples in therapy, I often advised them to set ground rules for arguments. If someone feels on the verge of losing control, it is better to leave the house and go for a walk. The other partner should allow this to happen without blocking the door or insisting they stay. It’s also wise to avoid getting in the car and driving in an emotional state. A walk is safer and more calming. And when the person returns, there doesn’t need to be a long post-mortem about the argument. Sometimes, it’s perfectly fine to let it go and move on.

Arguments are part of being human. We cannot and should not try to avoid them altogether. What we can do is create rules and boundaries for ourselves and those we love. A healthy relationship includes the occasional disagreement, and sometimes that disagreement will turn into an argument. But with respect and self-awareness, it doesn’t have to become a catastrophe.

Looking back on my recent argument with my friend, I now realize just how helpful it was. He didn’t attack me. He didn’t judge me. He simply gave me a way to get the anger out. And as a result, I felt lighter. I felt heard. I felt better.

Sometimes, what we need most is not soothing, but someone strong enough to challenge us. I thank my old friend for reminding me of that truth. And I pass it on now, hoping it might help someone else.