I wrote this essay for various reasons, including my personal experiences and over forty years of work as a psychotherapist with individuals and families.
“Family is both simple and complicated. It comprises love, shared experiences, and sometimes unspoken expectations. When those expectations clash, it can lead to distance. But, as LeBey reminds us, there's always the potential for change, even if it doesn't come in the way we expect.”
That is incredibly painful. Good for you for helping your son and you overcome whatever caused the alienation. I've know too many parents and adult children who refuse to reestablish their relationship.
Another excellent column. My adult son and I were estranged for almost three years, during which he got married and had a daughter. I don't know the cause of the estrangement and it was immensely painful for me. It was especially painful because he worked a mile from my house and when I passed his store each day it was like a dagger to my heart.
But I never gave up. I regularly reached out by phone, email and text, with no responses. I never lost hope. Then one day at work his email popped up on my screen. He said he is sorry he needed to come to me this way but he was in an auto accident, and he needed my help. Of course I responded immediately, suggesting we meet in a local restaurant after work.
We met. He was uncomfortable at first. I said, "Michael, I don't know what happened between us and I really don't want to revisit it. Let's just move forward." He agreed and we did.
We started to grow closer and then something amazing happened. I went to the movie theater and saw "Nebraska." In that movie an aging Bruce dern, living in Montana, receives a junk mail that says he won $1 million and should come to Nebraska to claim his prize. Despite his requests, no family member would drive him to Nebraska.
So Dern packs a small bag and starts walking to Nebraska. Of course his adult son wouldn't countenance that so he pulled up to his Dad in his truck, told Dad to get in and that they would drive to Nebraska together.
During the trip, Dad began to tell his son things about himself the son never knew. As I sat and watched, my heart was in my throat. I realized for the first time that while I thought I knew my Dad, I never knew him at a deeper level. Tears well up in my eyes. Sitting in the theater I vowed that my son would never get to say he wished he knew his Dad better.
So, I decided that once a week, before work, we would meet for breakfast at a local diner just to talk without any agenda. I was hopeful and, indeed, confident, that over time we would develop a father-son intimacy that he would cherish long after I had passed away.
It worked. No father and son are tighter than Michael and I are. We communicate several times a week, we see each other regularly, and we even seek each other's advice.
The moral of the story is that when it comes to family, no matter what the cause is of the estrangement, never never never give up.
Appreciate your reflections, TY
“Family is both simple and complicated. It comprises love, shared experiences, and sometimes unspoken expectations. When those expectations clash, it can lead to distance. But, as LeBey reminds us, there's always the potential for change, even if it doesn't come in the way we expect.”
That is incredibly painful. Good for you for helping your son and you overcome whatever caused the alienation. I've know too many parents and adult children who refuse to reestablish their relationship.
Another excellent column. My adult son and I were estranged for almost three years, during which he got married and had a daughter. I don't know the cause of the estrangement and it was immensely painful for me. It was especially painful because he worked a mile from my house and when I passed his store each day it was like a dagger to my heart.
But I never gave up. I regularly reached out by phone, email and text, with no responses. I never lost hope. Then one day at work his email popped up on my screen. He said he is sorry he needed to come to me this way but he was in an auto accident, and he needed my help. Of course I responded immediately, suggesting we meet in a local restaurant after work.
We met. He was uncomfortable at first. I said, "Michael, I don't know what happened between us and I really don't want to revisit it. Let's just move forward." He agreed and we did.
We started to grow closer and then something amazing happened. I went to the movie theater and saw "Nebraska." In that movie an aging Bruce dern, living in Montana, receives a junk mail that says he won $1 million and should come to Nebraska to claim his prize. Despite his requests, no family member would drive him to Nebraska.
So Dern packs a small bag and starts walking to Nebraska. Of course his adult son wouldn't countenance that so he pulled up to his Dad in his truck, told Dad to get in and that they would drive to Nebraska together.
During the trip, Dad began to tell his son things about himself the son never knew. As I sat and watched, my heart was in my throat. I realized for the first time that while I thought I knew my Dad, I never knew him at a deeper level. Tears well up in my eyes. Sitting in the theater I vowed that my son would never get to say he wished he knew his Dad better.
So, I decided that once a week, before work, we would meet for breakfast at a local diner just to talk without any agenda. I was hopeful and, indeed, confident, that over time we would develop a father-son intimacy that he would cherish long after I had passed away.
It worked. No father and son are tighter than Michael and I are. We communicate several times a week, we see each other regularly, and we even seek each other's advice.
The moral of the story is that when it comes to family, no matter what the cause is of the estrangement, never never never give up.