Family Estrangements

“You cut the turkey?”

I wrote this essay for various reasons, including my personal experiences and over forty years of work as a psychotherapist with individuals and families.

There is a beautiful old movie about an immigrant Jewish family that assimilates, and branches of the family become alienated. In "Avalon," family alienation is portrayed through the gradual breakdown of the once-close family bonds. Early in the film, the immigrant family is tightly knit, with multiple generations living near each other, sharing meals, and celebrating traditions together. However, as the story progresses, the family's connection unravels, mainly because of societal changes and the pursuit of the American Dream.

One of the saddest scenes represents this alienation when Jules, a younger generation member, moves his family to the suburbs away from the family's urban neighborhood. This physical distance becomes a metaphor for emotional distance, as modern life replaces the old traditions that used to keep the family together.

There's a poignant scene where the family cuts the Thanksgiving turkey before the patriarch, Sam, arrives. Sam is insulted and keeps repeating, "You cut the turkey?" As each generation moves further from the core family unit, the sense of closeness diminishes, and by the end, the once-vibrant family gatherings are memories of a bygone era.

The movie subtly demonstrates that societal changes, modern conveniences, and the preference for individual success over family cohesion ultimately lead to alienation rather than any single event. It's a gentle but bittersweet reminder of how time and progress can change even the most substantial familial ties.

Reflections on "Family Estrangements," by Barbara LeBey

Reading Barbara LeBey's "Family Estrangements" felt like taking a long, thoughtful walk through a quiet neighborhood where every house has its hidden story of hurt, distance, and hope.

In a way, family estrangements are like emotional distances. Sometimes, they happen suddenly, like a door slamming shut, and other times, they grow slowly over the years until you realize that the closeness that once was is no longer there. LeBey needs to focus on why these estrangements happen. She also looks at how they affect the people involved. She explores how some individuals move on while others struggle to fill the emptiness left behind.

One thing that stood out to me while reading this book is how personal and universal these stories are. LeBey shares real-life examples of parents, children, siblings, and extended family members who have become estranged for various reasons. Sometimes, it's because of misunderstandings, disagreements over values, or unresolved conflicts. But in each case, there's a longing for closure or reconciliation. It's a reminder that even when people try to let go of the past, the pull of family can still be strong.

Family is both simple and complicated. It comprises love, shared experiences, and sometimes unspoken expectations. When those expectations clash, it can lead to distance. But, as LeBey reminds us, there's always the potential for change, even if it doesn't come in the way we expect.

The movie and book strongly reminded me of my childhood growing up in the Bronx with my mother, older brother, and grandparents. A large extended family provided fertile ground for disagreements, perceived insults and misunderstandings, and alienation and estrangement.