Honoring Parents: Balancing Tradition, Respect, and Self-Preservation
A complicated situation when abuse is involved
During my over 40 years of experience as a psychotherapist, I have worked with people who are survivors of parental abuse. There were cases where the abuse was physical. However, whether it was physical or emotional, the abuse continued long into the adulthood of these people. The situations were horrific and negatively affected all adult relationships, including marriage and raising children. In many cases, these survivors avoided intimate relationships out of fear. One case that stands out is of a woman who visited her parents. Her father became enraged; he believed she was being insulting towards him. He then began choking his daughter. Later, he quoted the 5th commandment as justification for his abuse.
The psychological scars left by these experiences were all too real. Incredibly, they were survivors who maintained their relationships with these parents. I am using the plural parents. In reality, the abuse occurred at the hands of either the father or mother. And as incredible as it might seem, the non-abusive parent either ignored the abuse or denied that it happened or was continuing to happen.
The commandment "Honor thy father and thy mother" constitutes part of the Ten Commandments, which are included in some religious texts, like the Bible. The commandment is to respect, care for, and recognize the authority of parents. More than a testament to love, the commandment brings feelings of grace and gratefulness to parents for having born, cared for, and raised children. In the more conventional sense, it involves obedience to the parents and caring for them in old age. It is important to stress two facts about this commandment:
1. The commandment is integral to Jewish, Catholic, and Christian religions.
2. It is essential to know that honoring your mother and father is praising God. The reverse is also true: "Dishonoring parents is dishonoring God."
Respect is connected to honoring, and showing respect and honor to parents is an unshakable duty. Yet when cruelty or abuse occurs in the parent-child relationship, the mandate of "honoring" is complicated. Abuse—physical but also emotional—splinters the trust and respect that ought to be the basis for the parent-child relationship. How does one honor that which inflicts harm? The original commandment did not even suppose such situations, but many modern interpretations and ethical approaches have it that honoring abusive parents does not mean acceptance of abuse.
Honoring abusive parents can be seen as observing basic human dignity towards them without condoning or being party to their negative behavior. It even goes as far as setting boundaries or breaking ties with harmful parents while still recognizing their biological or legal guardianship over them. Others interpret this commandment to mean that they have to forgive but not reconcile or even be in an active relationship, especially where maintaining it would subject the adult child to ongoing harm.
In such cases, self-preservation and protection from harm come first.
Although the commandment teaches respect, it does not specify that one must endure abuse to fulfill it. The ultimate demand is emotional and physical security; honoring oneself with safety can be seen as a higher moral responsibility. In such cases of abuse, most would agree that the obligation to honor can mutate into a duty of care towards oneself and to get support otherwise, even if it means cutting ties or leaving a harmful situation.
The commandment to honor one's parents has complexity when cruelty and abuse are involved. Respecting and caring for parents must be balanced with self-care and safety. The dispute of varying answers that people give on how one should address the complex issue emanates from individuals, religious leaders, and philosophers. But one thing is relatively straightforward: honoring abusive parents does not mean accepting or excusing the abuse. There must be ways to balance respect and personal dignity.
My parents were horrible and they were supposedly Christians but my narcissist mom died in 2013 and I still think about those terrible things that she did to me and my dad is 90 and he is dying now of cancer and he always thought of me as a nobody and he's being nice now for the first time ever. But I will never forget how awful my childhood was. My parents even talked bad about me to my children. My parents both acted like angels at church and around their church friends and they had a different face depending on who they were around but they were like devils when they were at home and noone was around. In all of my childhood pictures I was never smiling, not even when I was a baby. I still don't know why they had me. My other siblings have a completely different story than me about our childhood because I was treated so differently than them. When my dad is gone there will be three of us left in my immediate family. I'm guessing my brother and sister will still treat me the same way. Whoever was the meanest to me go extra brownie points and were the golden child of the day. But I have never been mean to anyone in my family no matter what they did. I think I turned out to be the only normal one in my family even though I was mistreated the most. I think there are more narcissists in my family. I found out that my daughter is a couple years ago and that broke my heart because my son passed away ten years ago when he was 33 years old. He was the sweetest person in my life and I miss him so much.