Tina, thank you so much for your comment. Yes, I get great comfort from. my daughters, my grandchild and my pup and from writing and getting responses like the one you just sent me.
I was describing the way I was feeling to my therapist and she could tell what I was feeling felt alien to me. She named it. She said, You have softened. Felt like a voilá moment.
Allan, I've been sitting and thinking a lot as I still wait for my housing situation to work out. What you said about listening to your younger self really struck me because I've been distressed about how I ended up in this mess and I have been feeling as my younger self let me (in the now) down. I'm working through these feelings and your post helped me today.
I'm glad it helped you. I've been doing a lot of reading, as usual, and found some interesting things about all of us having a lot less control over our decisions than we believe. Anyway, I think about your situation and wish I could help. I can tell you this very honestly: I've told my daughters and friends that I am not happy here, where I'm living. Actually, very unhappy. That's the truth and not to try and make you feel better.
Allan, I think I can relate to what you are feeling, as it is no doubt a loss of autonomy. I know I will this as well, living in subsidized housing where there is a level of scrutiny I am not accustomed to. I will be grateful for affordable rent for the first time in a few years.
Thanks, Allan, beautifully put heart felt post. I am told that I was a wonderful clinical/academic psychiatrist/psychotherapist, now retired these 13 yrs., but active in 12-step groups so reminiscent of patient-staff therapy groups on psychiatric inpatient groups over my 42 yr. career. I felt so at home in those groups as I'm an only child and grew-up without any but the rare contact with other extended family. I was sexually, physically (HS football star), emotionally, mentally, and spiritually abused, but have only come to make this realization in my 70's with the "protection and care" of SOME 12-step groups and triggering repetitive emotional abuse of others. Finally, after 4 failed marriages and 25 yrs. of on and off alcohol/benzodiazepine use/abuse and loss of my 4 children due to the divorces/moves, I understand the comment you've posted and this one: "we all introject parenting until we do the self work". Both of my parents lost their opposite sex parents at 10-14yrs., and were cast into less than ideal substitute family situations, my father's being emotionally abusive, as his father remarried and thus abandoned his first family. Inter generational trauma. Confusing? Little wonder that I suffered from CPTSD and addictions. My blessed solace was with my fellow patients in this nuthouse of modernity. Like you, I did the best I was capable of and was one of those rare psychiatrists who did supportive psychotherapy as well as psychopharmacology. I wish you all the very best and appreciate your postings, as do many others. We are not alone.
I especially liked the part about listening to ones self, after driving over the road for twenty five years its still a hard thing to do for me yet so important. I think it was the Dali Lama once said that if you can’t love yourself who can you love.
Allan, I’m deeply touched by your soulful and beautifully written words of wisdom. We have treasured memories of the wonderful times our families shared together. It’s so hopeful that in our remaining time we can still learn to truly listen. Thank you for this gift.
Thank you for this beautifully written wisdom. Isn't it something how we only realize so much in later years? But at least it does come... the peace does come and letting go of the harsh standards we hold ourselves to.
And forgiving ourselves for parenting shortfalls.
To us, these moments are strikingly highlighted - but to our kids, I think they give us grace and remember much more.
They remember our unguarded laughter... or camping trips gone terribly wrong with rain.. yet the board games inside a wet tent were so fun.
They remember a day at the beach walking into the waves feeling safe, knowing we were steps away. The wind making them hold their arms out as if they were flying.
They remember Christmas stockings first, knowing we stayed up all night wrapping...
They remember knowing how much they were loved.
And when they had kids? They soon realized the balance it all is and maybe even said so to us.
I'm so sorry about your wife. I hope you find true comfort with your children and grandchildren... and I understand how that pain feels.
I also understand the best friend that a pup is... and trying to be in tune... to not miss a moment of them either.
I really appreciate your beautiful writing.
I really learned a lot from this post.. an excellent reminder and even game-changer.
Tina, thank you so much for your comment. Yes, I get great comfort from. my daughters, my grandchild and my pup and from writing and getting responses like the one you just sent me.
I was describing the way I was feeling to my therapist and she could tell what I was feeling felt alien to me. She named it. She said, You have softened. Felt like a voilá moment.
Sounds terrific.
Allan, I've been sitting and thinking a lot as I still wait for my housing situation to work out. What you said about listening to your younger self really struck me because I've been distressed about how I ended up in this mess and I have been feeling as my younger self let me (in the now) down. I'm working through these feelings and your post helped me today.
I'm glad it helped you. I've been doing a lot of reading, as usual, and found some interesting things about all of us having a lot less control over our decisions than we believe. Anyway, I think about your situation and wish I could help. I can tell you this very honestly: I've told my daughters and friends that I am not happy here, where I'm living. Actually, very unhappy. That's the truth and not to try and make you feel better.
Allan, I think I can relate to what you are feeling, as it is no doubt a loss of autonomy. I know I will this as well, living in subsidized housing where there is a level of scrutiny I am not accustomed to. I will be grateful for affordable rent for the first time in a few years.
Thank you. That’s just the most beautiful wisdom.
And listening, really listening, is the greatest of gifts you can give to another person
Exactly
Thanks, Allan, beautifully put heart felt post. I am told that I was a wonderful clinical/academic psychiatrist/psychotherapist, now retired these 13 yrs., but active in 12-step groups so reminiscent of patient-staff therapy groups on psychiatric inpatient groups over my 42 yr. career. I felt so at home in those groups as I'm an only child and grew-up without any but the rare contact with other extended family. I was sexually, physically (HS football star), emotionally, mentally, and spiritually abused, but have only come to make this realization in my 70's with the "protection and care" of SOME 12-step groups and triggering repetitive emotional abuse of others. Finally, after 4 failed marriages and 25 yrs. of on and off alcohol/benzodiazepine use/abuse and loss of my 4 children due to the divorces/moves, I understand the comment you've posted and this one: "we all introject parenting until we do the self work". Both of my parents lost their opposite sex parents at 10-14yrs., and were cast into less than ideal substitute family situations, my father's being emotionally abusive, as his father remarried and thus abandoned his first family. Inter generational trauma. Confusing? Little wonder that I suffered from CPTSD and addictions. My blessed solace was with my fellow patients in this nuthouse of modernity. Like you, I did the best I was capable of and was one of those rare psychiatrists who did supportive psychotherapy as well as psychopharmacology. I wish you all the very best and appreciate your postings, as do many others. We are not alone.
And listening to animals and plants not just pets. Is what I learned from Carlos Castanedas books. It’s hard to do yet it seems so important.
this is very beautiful :)
I especially liked the part about listening to ones self, after driving over the road for twenty five years its still a hard thing to do for me yet so important. I think it was the Dali Lama once said that if you can’t love yourself who can you love.
The Dali was very correct
The ears becoming more important than the tongue.
Allan, I’m deeply touched by your soulful and beautifully written words of wisdom. We have treasured memories of the wonderful times our families shared together. It’s so hopeful that in our remaining time we can still learn to truly listen. Thank you for this gift.
Thank you for this beautifully written wisdom. Isn't it something how we only realize so much in later years? But at least it does come... the peace does come and letting go of the harsh standards we hold ourselves to.
And forgiving ourselves for parenting shortfalls.
To us, these moments are strikingly highlighted - but to our kids, I think they give us grace and remember much more.
They remember our unguarded laughter... or camping trips gone terribly wrong with rain.. yet the board games inside a wet tent were so fun.
They remember a day at the beach walking into the waves feeling safe, knowing we were steps away. The wind making them hold their arms out as if they were flying.
They remember Christmas stockings first, knowing we stayed up all night wrapping...
They remember knowing how much they were loved.
And when they had kids? They soon realized the balance it all is and maybe even said so to us.
I'm so sorry about your wife. I hope you find true comfort with your children and grandchildren... and I understand how that pain feels.
I also understand the best friend that a pup is... and trying to be in tune... to not miss a moment of them either.
I really appreciate your beautiful writing.
I really learned a lot from this post.. an excellent reminder and even game-changer.
Thank you.
Allan, thank you for putting into words that which I am now experiencing.
Soft tears as I read your kind and loving words. I will carry them with me.
And trust that you will too.