We were married for 62 years - I so understand the quiet house. I am filled with "wish I would haves" and "if only If's." And with the gratefulness of which you speak for having had the opportunity of share those years with him. It's been four years since he died - life goes on - and I miss him as much - or more - than ever. Take care.
I put off reading this several times, as I thought it would be too painful.
It kinda is - truly heart-breaking - but also an important reminder for all of our relationships of any kind going forward. Thank you for your bravery and authenticity in writing this.
Thanks for this, Allan. In 19 years of marriage to wife #2, I don’t think we have had any serious quarrels though some may lie ahead. I believe there are two reasons for this. First, while we were dating, we read a book titled “Please Understand Me”. It is based on Jungian personality types. The book contained a simple personality classification test which we took. She was a classic NT. I don’t recall exactly what mine was. But understanding her personality type as well as mine enormously helped our relationship. I have been able to better understand my wife’s personality and why she acts as she does. And my personality and actions as well.
Second, 25 years ago my therapist gave me a metaphor that has successfully guided me. He said in times of disagreement, I could choose between being a litigator (which comes to me naturally) or a matador. A litigator will dig in his heels and litigate the disagreement. The matador will step aside as the charging bull passes him, and the crowd will go wild with applause. 19 years into this marriage, I still need to decide when to be a litigator and when to be a matador. Also, I have shared this metaphor with many friends who have said it has helped their marital relationships.
This is beautiful and so true. We are human and marriage is work every day. It is a beautiful tribe to your wife and life together. I have thing I want to change but I can only move forward it's all we can do. Thanks for reminding us of that
Allan, I offer my heartfelt condolences on your loss. I am sitting alongside you in empathy. There are no right or wrongs in grief. I collected many writer's thoughts on my grief resources page perhaps something in their words will resonate.
I used to say, "I'm so up the butt of my folk's relationship, who has time to have one of my own?" Now they are both gone, having both become utterly deadened by the weight of aging and trauma-drama during the last of their 62 years together. Who knew when they married in 1956 that the stress of life would accelerate as it did until he died first in 2018, and she just two years and two months later in 2020. The pressure on people to marry is unfair. It is difficult to have a totally loving relationship between two people even before you add in kids, mortgages, in-laws, and all the other career, family and self expectations that push in on the bliss that couples should be able to find and continue having together. I know shoulds are sh*t but finding your piece here today was a lovely surprise.
Please trust me when I say that it's not bliss. Yes there are moments of bliss and travels and adventures. But more often is the drudgery of ever day life. Arguments, taking the garbage out, dealing with the kids once they reach the nightmare of adolescence, etc. But is it worth it? Yes. Its just not Hollywood
Thank you Allan for such a beautiful and precious piece. I agree wholeheartedly with you that ...."I see that love is a continual practice of patience, forgiveness, and presence". I think a marriage without regrets is not possible, unless it is one that lasted a very very short time. It seems to me that our full involvement in love is bound to include many beautiful, and some not so beautiful parts of our humanness. So few people give us a view into the complexity and contradictions within. It is a precious honour I think when someone does. Marriage is one of those places where, if we commit fully, we run into the complexity and contradictions within each other. Thank you again Allan. Thank you.
Derek you express things so well. First in my opinion as the years go by we are no longer “in love” with our partner. That's for movies. In stead we love our partner. Also Derek thank you for the compliment about my writing. My opinion is that you also write from the heart. Life is so strange sometimes. At another time when we were younger and I travelled we would have met and become friends. Whats the old saying, “in the next life.”
"I see that love is a continual practice of patience, forgiveness, and presence."
Thank you Allan for these beautiful words. Such an important way to hold relationships with those we love.
Susan, I read one of the beautiful poems you posted and will return to red more. I am now a follower albeit non paying unfortunatley.
Thank you Doc. I just read and commented upon your beautiful and moving post today on grief and love.
Yes.
We were married for 62 years - I so understand the quiet house. I am filled with "wish I would haves" and "if only If's." And with the gratefulness of which you speak for having had the opportunity of share those years with him. It's been four years since he died - life goes on - and I miss him as much - or more - than ever. Take care.
My wife dies eight years ago and I am also grateful for those years. We were married 50 years. Life moves along so fast. Thank you for sharing.
I put off reading this several times, as I thought it would be too painful.
It kinda is - truly heart-breaking - but also an important reminder for all of our relationships of any kind going forward. Thank you for your bravery and authenticity in writing this.
And to remember that life moves quickly along. We must grasp the moment and live it to the fullest Now
Thanks for this, Allan. In 19 years of marriage to wife #2, I don’t think we have had any serious quarrels though some may lie ahead. I believe there are two reasons for this. First, while we were dating, we read a book titled “Please Understand Me”. It is based on Jungian personality types. The book contained a simple personality classification test which we took. She was a classic NT. I don’t recall exactly what mine was. But understanding her personality type as well as mine enormously helped our relationship. I have been able to better understand my wife’s personality and why she acts as she does. And my personality and actions as well.
Second, 25 years ago my therapist gave me a metaphor that has successfully guided me. He said in times of disagreement, I could choose between being a litigator (which comes to me naturally) or a matador. A litigator will dig in his heels and litigate the disagreement. The matador will step aside as the charging bull passes him, and the crowd will go wild with applause. 19 years into this marriage, I still need to decide when to be a litigator and when to be a matador. Also, I have shared this metaphor with many friends who have said it has helped their marital relationships.
That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.
I love that. Yes, a matador. Marc why did fate have us not be friends. Well at least we are now
Maybe you weren’t ready for me :)
I may have sent you this before.
Only Love Prevails.
I can’t bring them back again
Those moments. I hold fast in memory
Dear ones dancing in my dreams
Still reaching out to me
When Spring has come and gone again
And brilliant Summer pales
And Fall sets sail in frosty winds
Only love prevails
No, I can’t. change the flow of time
Tho sometimes. I have wished that I could
My heart shall bind up all loose ends
And keep them mine for good
So let us recall some old songs
And sing them out around the fire
And hail once more our loved ones before
The hour that we retire
When Spring has come and gone again
And brilliant Summer pales
And Fall sets sail in frosty winds
Only love prevails
Malcolm McKinney 2016
Malcom that is beautiful.
Thank you.
I appreciate you sharing this. Wishing you peace and happiness 🙏
This is beautiful and so true. We are human and marriage is work every day. It is a beautiful tribe to your wife and life together. I have thing I want to change but I can only move forward it's all we can do. Thanks for reminding us of that
Yes we are only human each with our bumps and blemishes and imperfections. Frankly us humans are mostly terrific
What a beautiful writing. Thank you for your reflections and for sharing.
Audrey, thank you
Thank you for sharing. My heartfelt condolences.
Thank you
Allan, I offer my heartfelt condolences on your loss. I am sitting alongside you in empathy. There are no right or wrongs in grief. I collected many writer's thoughts on my grief resources page perhaps something in their words will resonate.
https://www.carermentor.com/p/articles-and-resources-on-grief?r=a9y7d&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
Victoria, thank you and I will follow the link.
I used to say, "I'm so up the butt of my folk's relationship, who has time to have one of my own?" Now they are both gone, having both become utterly deadened by the weight of aging and trauma-drama during the last of their 62 years together. Who knew when they married in 1956 that the stress of life would accelerate as it did until he died first in 2018, and she just two years and two months later in 2020. The pressure on people to marry is unfair. It is difficult to have a totally loving relationship between two people even before you add in kids, mortgages, in-laws, and all the other career, family and self expectations that push in on the bliss that couples should be able to find and continue having together. I know shoulds are sh*t but finding your piece here today was a lovely surprise.
Please trust me when I say that it's not bliss. Yes there are moments of bliss and travels and adventures. But more often is the drudgery of ever day life. Arguments, taking the garbage out, dealing with the kids once they reach the nightmare of adolescence, etc. But is it worth it? Yes. Its just not Hollywood
I believe you. Ok, not bliss, but agreement to endure the drudgery together.
Yes all we can and must do is work at our relationships every day. Thank you for your message and for understanding.
😢
Debbie, I am pleased that you found this post and I was hoping you would.
It was especially poignant since I knew you both early on.❤️
Allen, what a beautiful, poignant post reminding us that love is all that matters. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Beth, thank you for that kind message.
Thank you Allan for such a beautiful and precious piece. I agree wholeheartedly with you that ...."I see that love is a continual practice of patience, forgiveness, and presence". I think a marriage without regrets is not possible, unless it is one that lasted a very very short time. It seems to me that our full involvement in love is bound to include many beautiful, and some not so beautiful parts of our humanness. So few people give us a view into the complexity and contradictions within. It is a precious honour I think when someone does. Marriage is one of those places where, if we commit fully, we run into the complexity and contradictions within each other. Thank you again Allan. Thank you.
i love hearing of your wonderful wifey. xx
Derek you express things so well. First in my opinion as the years go by we are no longer “in love” with our partner. That's for movies. In stead we love our partner. Also Derek thank you for the compliment about my writing. My opinion is that you also write from the heart. Life is so strange sometimes. At another time when we were younger and I travelled we would have met and become friends. Whats the old saying, “in the next life.”