These are good questions. Yes, teachers and administration need to be trained in deescalation an it has been a huge need for decades. And it needs to be done now but how to make it happen?
My eldest Son is not professionally diagnosed but I feel and even other professionals who worked with him at the time (going back 16 years) thought he had ADHD. It was that not so wonderful time when certain medical professionals were of the opinion that it isn’t helpful to ‘label’ children with something they’ll have on their file permanently. My argument with that was and still is the same. As a Mother, I knew he was struggling. Lots of things that actually line up with autism also and it is in the family.
So the response I put to them whenever there was a meeting for him (as he had behaviour reviews) was it isn’t a matter of how you believe a ‘label’ will fit into his record. It’s a question of either he has a thorough assessment, a possible diagnosis in order for him to receive the help he needs or his education was going to suffer dramatically.
His education ultimately did suffer dramatically. At the age of 5 he was able to escape from school and was caught by a friend who found him wandering towards home via a busy main road. Unbelievably this happened twice! I took him out of there and he went on to finish primary school. There were major problems throughout this time. Not regarding his ability to understand and capability to to the work but rather his behavioural needs around his peers, teachers and SEN involvement.
He was accepted into a mainstream secondary school although I can’t count the amount of times I had to walk a good hour there to pick him up and walk him back home after he had been excluded temporarily.
It was always his attitude towards the teachers, anybody in a position of authority and a few incidents with other pupils. I begged for help from the age of three onwards.
Just before the first year of secondary school, I was telephoned by the headteacher. Not even invited to an in person meeting. He told me that my Son was being sent out of class every day. The rest of the time he was sent home suspended. We both agreed he was suffering and couldn’t apply concentration to anything. They even chose certain things to do that were of his interests which failed to work.
The inevitable consequence was that he would be permanently excluded from that school and I’d need to find him a school where they could help him and trained professionals in children’s behavioural care was his best chance to get a decent education. They recommend a school which wasn’t so much targeted at children who were struggling academically but who had difficulty in regards to social skills. It was the worst decision I was ever forced to make.
He was being excluded every other week for a day, two days or even a week at a time. It was impossible for him to do any of the work they sporadically sent home with him as he just refused, so he was now suffering academically and behind his peers, which had never been an issue before.
Some of the stuff that worked there I found to be incredibly questionable, although there were a few that I had a very good relationship with because it was clear, they cared about my sons, education and overall welfare in regards to how this was all affecting him. There was still no diagnosis formally and I don’t know if it would’ve mattered by this point anyway as there was no early intervention as I had worked so hard for many years to try and get him professional help.
By the end of the Christmas holidays in his last year there they called me in for a meeting and told me he was permanently excluded from the school and could only go in for his final exams. It was obviously incredibly traumatising for me and worrying because I feared for his future.
He is 21 years old now, and did attend college for nearly 2 years until he quit just before he was qualified to be a plumbing engineer. He has a stable relationship and a few animals who he adores. However, the question remains would things have been different if I had done something more to get him some form of treatment? It was just nearly impossible because he didn’t have a formal diagnosis. All due to the fact I was told they didn’t want to label him.
I am truly sorry you and he had to go through so much suffering. It seems to me that this was a school district made up of incompetents. In any case, please know that, if he wants to, help is still available.
I found this article extremely informative and helpful. I know someone who I suspect may have BPD and the way you describe emotional dysregulation matches some of the behavior I've witnesses. I've taken a great deal of mental and emotional abuse from this friend. And lately, I'm coming to the realization that they haven't been as great of a friend as it might seem at first glance. I'm not attempting to diagnose the person. Just saying that this helps me to understand them a bit better and that my focus may be better on protecting myself than saving the friendship.
Yes it can be a tough situation. On the one hand you’re trying to be a supportive friend (which are hard to find) but if it becomes at the detriment of your own mental health then ultimately you have a difficult choice to make.
Have you tried setting some boundaries to make clear what you can/cannot any longer accept. I don’t know the dynamics of the friendship or if it would be possible for you to explain how this is making you feel. It may very well be your friend has a lack self awareness or maybe become comfortable in his/her belief that you’ll just continue to take everything they throw at you. Do you think it would be possible to have a conversation about where you currently stand? He/she might make some drastic changes if they realise how close you are to calling it a day with the friendship. Setting clear boundaries of what you cannot tolerate should be enough to bring the realisation to your friend they will lose you if their behaviours don’t change.
I hope you find a solution and remember that your mental health is important too! xxx
All of those avenues have been exhausted. I think at some point you have to accept that you need to love some people from a distance. When I made the comment it was just to say I know someone who fits the description in the piece. I think you're right about my friend lacking self awareness. And I’m probably not the first person who has pointed some things out to him. Which probably explains why I’m his only real friend. At this point in my life I’m doing away with lots of relationships that no longer serve my best interest. This is just one of them. I just happened to recognize the guy in the article.🤔
Oh I see, that’s unfortunate for you both. I completely understand we can be quite overbearing sometimes. Everyone is different though. Although two people are diagnosed with the same condition, it can present itself very differently from person to person. Does your friend know where he stands with you being at your wits end?
He may also put on a stubborn front (we’re good at that) then beneath all of that is a childlike mindset scared of being alone. I’m not saying you should stay friends with him as he cannot treat you however he likes and expect that you’ll put up with it as I’m sure you have many times before.
If you do decide to back off and phase out the friendship, more than likely things will take a week or two before it sinks in that actually, you really have had enough. In that time I think will be a time for self reflection and the memories of what behaviour of his led up to the breakdown of your relationship.
Let me know if I’m wrong with this one but if experience is anything to go by, I believe your friend will be calling you after his pride fades away and reality sets in.
Thank you for sharing this and helping to create awareness around this topic. I have struggled personally with this as a symptom of EUPD/BPD and CPTSD. I’m actually going to recommend this too because the more we understand as a society, the better equipped we can be for ourselves and/or a loved one.
I live in the UK and unfortunately DBT is not offered in my area through the NHS (unless you can afford to pay privately)
The more people who are in a position to support others through having an understanding and opportunity to seek help should they need it, the better.
I’d also like to add (and I think you covered it well in the beginning), is that whilst it can be incredibly challenging to cope when living with EUPD/BPD and CPTSD I do find there are some who use their disorders as an excuse to behave in ways which provoke negative reactions from others. Yes, it’s very difficult sometimes but in my case not impossible to try and de-escalate my emotional response to an upsetting encounter. For example if I’m spoken to or treated unfairly and feeling particularly well that day I find it easier to control my response. However there are other times when I’m already feeling vulnerable or having an off day it can be very challenging to avoid confrontation should I be exposed to the same situation.
In conclusion I try to rationalise somebody being rude or offensive by remembering that person or their loved one could also be dealing with a personal issue of worry or great sadness. Maybe concerning a medical issue of significance.
Thanks again for your continued efforts in helping others by providing information surrounding mental health and the importance of having a sound understanding of how different disorders can impact individuals and their families too.
I am pleased by your response and I would appreciate it if you could send me ideas, topics and resources so that I can go deeper into these issues. You said I covered it well in the beginning. Please help me improve it. Allan
Oh I apologise! I didn’t quite finish that paragraph off very clearly did I?! In the beginning meaning it’s good that you wrote about the importance of put things into perspective when overreacting to a situation. I’ll use myself as an example…Sometimes I become so caught up in my own anxieties, thoughts and emotions it’s only when I am reminded of things others are going through that I begin to wonder what on earth I have to complain about. Sure, on a bad day when reliving trauma it can be so severe, I can’t eat or leave the house. It’s just me and my faithful companion (my dog) most of the time so my whole social life is when I take him out for a walk. Whomever I see and talk to on the outing is all the human interaction I have for the day and night.
It’s a struggle to sleep also because of the endless cycle I liken it to a hamster wheel which is constantly going. Along with sleep paralysis which is terrifying.
So when I do find myself in a social situation, it’s as if I become overwhelmed with the extra stimuli and then do whatever possible to get back home quickly. Logically thinking, if the issue is in fact the lack of social interaction then the obvious remedy would be to socialise more! However, I am the one who ultimately sets these limitations by staying inside this familiar level of comfort and certainty essentially holding myself hostage both psychologically and physically.
It does sometimes take a loved one putting things into perspective, being frank with me in order to face any anxieties I’m feeling so that psychological and physical limitation can be addressed. It’s not something I can switch off completely but support and encouragement creates a safety net for me, making things more bearable.
I must be incredibly exhaustive to my loved ones because they may be having a difficult time in their own lives without the added burden of being in essence a cheerleader for me to perform the simplest of tasks without having a complete meltdown. It’s when the hamster wheel gets going I feel really selfish, guilty and angry at myself for being this way. But I do think of this little motto in these moments that reminds me to keep going. When we stop short of achieving something, it’s because we stop trying. So until that day, I refuse to give in and like Dory in finding Nemo “When life gets you down… just keep swimming!”
I will of course throw some ideas your way, I’ll directly message you if you’re okay with that. I am really happy you asked me actually thank you. Should I directly message you tomorrow? I’ll have a ponder whilst trying to get a couple of hours sleep in lol xx
Apr 25·edited Apr 25Liked by DocTalk, Allan N Schwartz PhD
Perhaps, that is true. It would be a lot to unpack for you to fully understand the situation. We've been friends since middle school and roommates for quite a number of years. Believe me when I say that my decision to end the friendship is well thought out. I don't have a problem with it at all. Friends and loved ones come and go in our lives all the time. We have some good memories, that’s enough for me. As for him calling me, I am sure he will. If I’m not there he has no one to cook, clean, do his laundry, etc.
At the end of the day, I need to finally do what's best for me. I don't have a problem with that. Again, I only mentioned this friend because I recognized his traits in the article.
Adrian I have more to tell you about my back ground with this
I wonder if teachers will now need to be trained in de-escalation techniques. This seems like what school districts will begin offering.
How might our society prioritize mental health and emotional regulation?
These are good questions. Yes, teachers and administration need to be trained in deescalation an it has been a huge need for decades. And it needs to be done now but how to make it happen?
My eldest Son is not professionally diagnosed but I feel and even other professionals who worked with him at the time (going back 16 years) thought he had ADHD. It was that not so wonderful time when certain medical professionals were of the opinion that it isn’t helpful to ‘label’ children with something they’ll have on their file permanently. My argument with that was and still is the same. As a Mother, I knew he was struggling. Lots of things that actually line up with autism also and it is in the family.
So the response I put to them whenever there was a meeting for him (as he had behaviour reviews) was it isn’t a matter of how you believe a ‘label’ will fit into his record. It’s a question of either he has a thorough assessment, a possible diagnosis in order for him to receive the help he needs or his education was going to suffer dramatically.
His education ultimately did suffer dramatically. At the age of 5 he was able to escape from school and was caught by a friend who found him wandering towards home via a busy main road. Unbelievably this happened twice! I took him out of there and he went on to finish primary school. There were major problems throughout this time. Not regarding his ability to understand and capability to to the work but rather his behavioural needs around his peers, teachers and SEN involvement.
He was accepted into a mainstream secondary school although I can’t count the amount of times I had to walk a good hour there to pick him up and walk him back home after he had been excluded temporarily.
It was always his attitude towards the teachers, anybody in a position of authority and a few incidents with other pupils. I begged for help from the age of three onwards.
Just before the first year of secondary school, I was telephoned by the headteacher. Not even invited to an in person meeting. He told me that my Son was being sent out of class every day. The rest of the time he was sent home suspended. We both agreed he was suffering and couldn’t apply concentration to anything. They even chose certain things to do that were of his interests which failed to work.
The inevitable consequence was that he would be permanently excluded from that school and I’d need to find him a school where they could help him and trained professionals in children’s behavioural care was his best chance to get a decent education. They recommend a school which wasn’t so much targeted at children who were struggling academically but who had difficulty in regards to social skills. It was the worst decision I was ever forced to make.
He was being excluded every other week for a day, two days or even a week at a time. It was impossible for him to do any of the work they sporadically sent home with him as he just refused, so he was now suffering academically and behind his peers, which had never been an issue before.
Some of the stuff that worked there I found to be incredibly questionable, although there were a few that I had a very good relationship with because it was clear, they cared about my sons, education and overall welfare in regards to how this was all affecting him. There was still no diagnosis formally and I don’t know if it would’ve mattered by this point anyway as there was no early intervention as I had worked so hard for many years to try and get him professional help.
By the end of the Christmas holidays in his last year there they called me in for a meeting and told me he was permanently excluded from the school and could only go in for his final exams. It was obviously incredibly traumatising for me and worrying because I feared for his future.
He is 21 years old now, and did attend college for nearly 2 years until he quit just before he was qualified to be a plumbing engineer. He has a stable relationship and a few animals who he adores. However, the question remains would things have been different if I had done something more to get him some form of treatment? It was just nearly impossible because he didn’t have a formal diagnosis. All due to the fact I was told they didn’t want to label him.
I am truly sorry you and he had to go through so much suffering. It seems to me that this was a school district made up of incompetents. In any case, please know that, if he wants to, help is still available.
I found this article extremely informative and helpful. I know someone who I suspect may have BPD and the way you describe emotional dysregulation matches some of the behavior I've witnesses. I've taken a great deal of mental and emotional abuse from this friend. And lately, I'm coming to the realization that they haven't been as great of a friend as it might seem at first glance. I'm not attempting to diagnose the person. Just saying that this helps me to understand them a bit better and that my focus may be better on protecting myself than saving the friendship.
Yes you must protect yourself. Please
Yes it can be a tough situation. On the one hand you’re trying to be a supportive friend (which are hard to find) but if it becomes at the detriment of your own mental health then ultimately you have a difficult choice to make.
Have you tried setting some boundaries to make clear what you can/cannot any longer accept. I don’t know the dynamics of the friendship or if it would be possible for you to explain how this is making you feel. It may very well be your friend has a lack self awareness or maybe become comfortable in his/her belief that you’ll just continue to take everything they throw at you. Do you think it would be possible to have a conversation about where you currently stand? He/she might make some drastic changes if they realise how close you are to calling it a day with the friendship. Setting clear boundaries of what you cannot tolerate should be enough to bring the realisation to your friend they will lose you if their behaviours don’t change.
I hope you find a solution and remember that your mental health is important too! xxx
All of those avenues have been exhausted. I think at some point you have to accept that you need to love some people from a distance. When I made the comment it was just to say I know someone who fits the description in the piece. I think you're right about my friend lacking self awareness. And I’m probably not the first person who has pointed some things out to him. Which probably explains why I’m his only real friend. At this point in my life I’m doing away with lots of relationships that no longer serve my best interest. This is just one of them. I just happened to recognize the guy in the article.🤔
Oh I see, that’s unfortunate for you both. I completely understand we can be quite overbearing sometimes. Everyone is different though. Although two people are diagnosed with the same condition, it can present itself very differently from person to person. Does your friend know where he stands with you being at your wits end?
He may also put on a stubborn front (we’re good at that) then beneath all of that is a childlike mindset scared of being alone. I’m not saying you should stay friends with him as he cannot treat you however he likes and expect that you’ll put up with it as I’m sure you have many times before.
If you do decide to back off and phase out the friendship, more than likely things will take a week or two before it sinks in that actually, you really have had enough. In that time I think will be a time for self reflection and the memories of what behaviour of his led up to the breakdown of your relationship.
Let me know if I’m wrong with this one but if experience is anything to go by, I believe your friend will be calling you after his pride fades away and reality sets in.
Thank you for sharing this and helping to create awareness around this topic. I have struggled personally with this as a symptom of EUPD/BPD and CPTSD. I’m actually going to recommend this too because the more we understand as a society, the better equipped we can be for ourselves and/or a loved one.
I live in the UK and unfortunately DBT is not offered in my area through the NHS (unless you can afford to pay privately)
The more people who are in a position to support others through having an understanding and opportunity to seek help should they need it, the better.
I’d also like to add (and I think you covered it well in the beginning), is that whilst it can be incredibly challenging to cope when living with EUPD/BPD and CPTSD I do find there are some who use their disorders as an excuse to behave in ways which provoke negative reactions from others. Yes, it’s very difficult sometimes but in my case not impossible to try and de-escalate my emotional response to an upsetting encounter. For example if I’m spoken to or treated unfairly and feeling particularly well that day I find it easier to control my response. However there are other times when I’m already feeling vulnerable or having an off day it can be very challenging to avoid confrontation should I be exposed to the same situation.
In conclusion I try to rationalise somebody being rude or offensive by remembering that person or their loved one could also be dealing with a personal issue of worry or great sadness. Maybe concerning a medical issue of significance.
Thanks again for your continued efforts in helping others by providing information surrounding mental health and the importance of having a sound understanding of how different disorders can impact individuals and their families too.
I am pleased by your response and I would appreciate it if you could send me ideas, topics and resources so that I can go deeper into these issues. You said I covered it well in the beginning. Please help me improve it. Allan
Oh I apologise! I didn’t quite finish that paragraph off very clearly did I?! In the beginning meaning it’s good that you wrote about the importance of put things into perspective when overreacting to a situation. I’ll use myself as an example…Sometimes I become so caught up in my own anxieties, thoughts and emotions it’s only when I am reminded of things others are going through that I begin to wonder what on earth I have to complain about. Sure, on a bad day when reliving trauma it can be so severe, I can’t eat or leave the house. It’s just me and my faithful companion (my dog) most of the time so my whole social life is when I take him out for a walk. Whomever I see and talk to on the outing is all the human interaction I have for the day and night.
It’s a struggle to sleep also because of the endless cycle I liken it to a hamster wheel which is constantly going. Along with sleep paralysis which is terrifying.
So when I do find myself in a social situation, it’s as if I become overwhelmed with the extra stimuli and then do whatever possible to get back home quickly. Logically thinking, if the issue is in fact the lack of social interaction then the obvious remedy would be to socialise more! However, I am the one who ultimately sets these limitations by staying inside this familiar level of comfort and certainty essentially holding myself hostage both psychologically and physically.
It does sometimes take a loved one putting things into perspective, being frank with me in order to face any anxieties I’m feeling so that psychological and physical limitation can be addressed. It’s not something I can switch off completely but support and encouragement creates a safety net for me, making things more bearable.
I must be incredibly exhaustive to my loved ones because they may be having a difficult time in their own lives without the added burden of being in essence a cheerleader for me to perform the simplest of tasks without having a complete meltdown. It’s when the hamster wheel gets going I feel really selfish, guilty and angry at myself for being this way. But I do think of this little motto in these moments that reminds me to keep going. When we stop short of achieving something, it’s because we stop trying. So until that day, I refuse to give in and like Dory in finding Nemo “When life gets you down… just keep swimming!”
I will of course throw some ideas your way, I’ll directly message you if you’re okay with that. I am really happy you asked me actually thank you. Should I directly message you tomorrow? I’ll have a ponder whilst trying to get a couple of hours sleep in lol xx
Yes message me directly. 👍
I will continue to write about these things and thanks for your encouragement
Perhaps, that is true. It would be a lot to unpack for you to fully understand the situation. We've been friends since middle school and roommates for quite a number of years. Believe me when I say that my decision to end the friendship is well thought out. I don't have a problem with it at all. Friends and loved ones come and go in our lives all the time. We have some good memories, that’s enough for me. As for him calling me, I am sure he will. If I’m not there he has no one to cook, clean, do his laundry, etc.
At the end of the day, I need to finally do what's best for me. I don't have a problem with that. Again, I only mentioned this friend because I recognized his traits in the article.
I could not agree more